I can only hope to live a life even half as fantastic and tragic as hers.
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Friday, 27 November 2009
Filled my heart up with nothing
Today has been grim; I've felt pathetically tragic for most of it. I feel a growing desperate need to get out of myself, and soon. If all goes to plan, most of next week will be a messy blur with the amount of substances I'm purchasing for a few days up in England somewhere. I might even die. I don't want to though, because I don't want to die feeling fat. How impossibly vain.
I hope one day I feel good enough to be happy.
I don't know that I ever will.
I hope one day I feel good enough to be happy.
I don't know that I ever will.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
You already know
I feel I must be doing myself some damage. I find my situation worrying in several ways; I know my physical wellbeing is at stake.... the activities I partake in are hardly savoury, and I rarely if ever get my recommended five a day. My mental health can't be up to scratch either, partly due to to the physical wellbeing junk, but also because I've never felt 100% stable.
But when I start feeling like that I reprimand myself for being so self-obsessed and vain. Everyone feels unstable sometimes, that's common knowledge. Then I start to think, perhaps that is exactly what an unstable person would think, and for years bury their worries and never seek advice or help of any form and eventually have their feelings erupt in a massive stroke or end up mass murdering an office/church/school full of people.
I may or may not seek help this week. I often plan to, and never have. Not for the most worrying of the issues that worry me, anyway.
Tonight I will do to the cinema, and I will feel like everything is ok. My teeth will hurt when I drink my icy drink, a harsh reminder, but I am so used to it by now that it hardly bothers me.
I don't want them to fall out though, so perhaps I just pretend it doesn't bother me.
I lost seven pounds last week.
But when I start feeling like that I reprimand myself for being so self-obsessed and vain. Everyone feels unstable sometimes, that's common knowledge. Then I start to think, perhaps that is exactly what an unstable person would think, and for years bury their worries and never seek advice or help of any form and eventually have their feelings erupt in a massive stroke or end up mass murdering an office/church/school full of people.
I may or may not seek help this week. I often plan to, and never have. Not for the most worrying of the issues that worry me, anyway.
Tonight I will do to the cinema, and I will feel like everything is ok. My teeth will hurt when I drink my icy drink, a harsh reminder, but I am so used to it by now that it hardly bothers me.
I don't want them to fall out though, so perhaps I just pretend it doesn't bother me.
I lost seven pounds last week.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
Today
Today was strange. Today is still strange. I felt ok, mundane, boring, tired; the usual.
After the phonecall I felt different. Somehow, more energetic? I don't know why. I keep telling myself things will get better, I will get over it, it won't matter anymore. It doesn't seem to be happening. It hasn't even been a year, but I still feel like I shouldn't care anymore.
Wikepedia describes ambivalence as 'a state of having simultaneous, conflicting feelings toward a person or thing. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having thoughts and emotions of both positive and negative valence toward someone or something.'
I think that pretty much sums me up for the most part. Or my feelings at least.
I am ambivalent towards most things in my life and towards most people in my life that I am not related to - and, indeed, some that I am.
Sleep will be interesting, it usually is. I should write more about my dreams; they are surreal to the point that, upon waking in the night, I am still terrified for a long time after sleep has gone and find it hard to return to.
Today has been strange.
After the phonecall I felt different. Somehow, more energetic? I don't know why. I keep telling myself things will get better, I will get over it, it won't matter anymore. It doesn't seem to be happening. It hasn't even been a year, but I still feel like I shouldn't care anymore.
Wikepedia describes ambivalence as 'a state of having simultaneous, conflicting feelings toward a person or thing. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having thoughts and emotions of both positive and negative valence toward someone or something.'
I think that pretty much sums me up for the most part. Or my feelings at least.
I am ambivalent towards most things in my life and towards most people in my life that I am not related to - and, indeed, some that I am.
Sleep will be interesting, it usually is. I should write more about my dreams; they are surreal to the point that, upon waking in the night, I am still terrified for a long time after sleep has gone and find it hard to return to.
Today has been strange.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
I find it scary
It scares me a little bit.
Not 'scares' in the conventional sense perhaps, but in another way that I can't rightly describe. I suppose I don't much like the idea of my thoughts being out there, floating around on the world wide web for anyone to read. But then, why would I have even signed up?
Perhaps it's narcissism; I don't 'like' the idea of people reading my thoughts. But I do really.
Who wouldn't want to think people are interested in them? Maybe most people and I am generalizing again. I generalize a lot, mostly only humans though. I think us a dull and predictable species, especially men. I'm not a lesbian, though the lifestlye appeals to me very much and I have tried and tried to 'become' one. Turns out, it doesn't work like that. I'm stuck liking men, sadly.
Perhaps one day, I will write interesting things. I hope so. I hope I am remembered as a profound and insightful human being, not least one that can spell and punctuate correctly (a rather huge annoyance, that I find myself constantly falling victim to). It seems that good grammar, punctuation and so on, matters less and less. It simply isn't an issue anymore, if someone spells 'they're' as 'their' and uses '2' for 'two' or, even worse, 'too'. But perhaps the latter is just language evolving and I am stuck in the dark ages. Perhaps.
Not 'scares' in the conventional sense perhaps, but in another way that I can't rightly describe. I suppose I don't much like the idea of my thoughts being out there, floating around on the world wide web for anyone to read. But then, why would I have even signed up?
Perhaps it's narcissism; I don't 'like' the idea of people reading my thoughts. But I do really.
Who wouldn't want to think people are interested in them? Maybe most people and I am generalizing again. I generalize a lot, mostly only humans though. I think us a dull and predictable species, especially men. I'm not a lesbian, though the lifestlye appeals to me very much and I have tried and tried to 'become' one. Turns out, it doesn't work like that. I'm stuck liking men, sadly.
Perhaps one day, I will write interesting things. I hope so. I hope I am remembered as a profound and insightful human being, not least one that can spell and punctuate correctly (a rather huge annoyance, that I find myself constantly falling victim to). It seems that good grammar, punctuation and so on, matters less and less. It simply isn't an issue anymore, if someone spells 'they're' as 'their' and uses '2' for 'two' or, even worse, 'too'. But perhaps the latter is just language evolving and I am stuck in the dark ages. Perhaps.
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