Today

today is no better.

I need a remarkable life.

GRAMMAR

and spelling torment me.

I hate that once a post is posted you cannot edit it, even though it makes sense.
I will finish Nineteen Eight-Four tonight.

Blue

Today I feel terrible. I am depressed, which is strange because I aquired some new material possessions; this usually leaves me enlightened. I will always let my happiness rely on 'having' things. Things don't let you down. Put all your hope and love into a person and you most likely will end up unhappy. And even if that person doesn't crush you in one way or another, you will always be living in fear that they will be snatched from you, (possibly by someone else) will come home one day tearful from the doctors'. You'll have to go with them for CAT scans, or injections or chemotherapy or all of these and more. You will have to hold them while they suffer and cry and you will have be strong for yourself and them because they won't be able to be.
In the end they will die and you will be without them after weeks, months, years of being together and relying on each other for happiness and fulfillment. It's simply not worth it. Or, you will die first. Maybe that's the best outcome.
Today is not a good day.

Being a horrible person

isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Having been a complete and utter fuckwit the past few days, I must admit that some kind of punishment is needed.
I will begin a two week water/coffee fast tomorrow. I can't enjoy food at the moment anyway, and I need to feel like I'm doing something to make up for the world's more horrible friend act I've committed.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I am sorry.

I can only hope to live a life even half as fantastic and tragic as hers.

Filled my heart up with nothing

Today has been grim; I've felt pathetically tragic for most of it. I feel a growing desperate need to get out of myself, and soon. If all goes to plan, most of next week will be a messy blur with the amount of substances I'm purchasing for a few days up in England somewhere. I might even die. I don't want to though, because I don't want to die feeling fat. How impossibly vain.
I hope one day I feel good enough to be happy.
I don't know that I ever will.

You already know

I feel I must be doing myself some damage. I find my situation worrying in several ways; I know my physical wellbeing is at stake.... the activities I partake in are hardly savoury, and I rarely if ever get my recommended five a day. My mental health can't be up to scratch either, partly due to to the physical wellbeing junk, but also because I've never felt 100% stable.
But when I start feeling like that I reprimand myself for being so self-obsessed and vain. Everyone feels unstable sometimes, that's common knowledge. Then I start to think, perhaps that is exactly what an unstable person would think, and for years bury their worries and never seek advice or help of any form and eventually have their feelings erupt in a massive stroke or end up mass murdering an office/church/school full of people.
I may or may not seek help this week. I often plan to, and never have. Not for the most worrying of the issues that worry me, anyway.
Tonight I will do to the cinema, and I will feel like everything is ok. My teeth will hurt when I drink my icy drink, a harsh reminder, but I am so used to it by now that it hardly bothers me.
I don't want them to fall out though, so perhaps I just pretend it doesn't bother me.
I lost seven pounds last week.